I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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