Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
