So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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