so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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