were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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