i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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