Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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