i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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