our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
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So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
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It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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