I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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