never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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