There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
