Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
