what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
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He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
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My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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