I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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