Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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