i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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