He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
