Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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