I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I am naked and annoyed.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
