so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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