My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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