I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
