Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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