Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
