by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
