I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
