My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
