Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
