just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
