i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
