Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
