your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
