Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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