I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
