i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
