if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
