i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
