hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
