literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Are we still banned from the library?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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