Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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