Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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