i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
