So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
