In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
