Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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