I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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