I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
