Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
