Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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