My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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