ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
