i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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