They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
