now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
