your parents love me but you hate me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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