I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You ruined the universe
Randomize
