Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
