On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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