Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
